Babylon 5 vs The Borg
by S.D.I
Summary: The title explains it nicely. An old story, it serves as a handy comparison...I actually have half a clue how to write now. Anyway, people found this funny back in the day and who knows, maybe there's some charm left to it.


**Babylon 5 vs. The Borg**

Ho-boy...This has to be from like 1997 or 1998, back when I first got on the internet. Amazing how time flies. I'm really not going to check it over or remake it or anything like that because it represents my old work and I wouldn't really do right by my teenaged insanity now. So, it is bad, but it is what was and I don't blame you if you give up before getting anywhere in it.

I have absolutely no claim to either Star Trek or Babylon 5 and this was purely for fun, a decade ago...

On a really bad day a Borg cube appeared near the Earth Alliance Space Station Babylon 5.

Borg: "We are the Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is Futile."  
Sheridan: "oh, up yours!"  
Borg: "Attitude is irrelevant. Your species will service us from now on."  
Ivanova: "well, we're screwed"  
Command Crew: "Haha! Good one commander!"

A Borg beams in, and assimilates an extra  
Command Crew: "Oh Shiiii..." (all run away)  
Borg: stomping ominously after them "Dmn, running too fast.. Can't catch at this speed.

Borg beam in, in front of the Command Crew

Ivanova: karate chops a Borg OW!! DMN THAT HURT!  
Borg: feeling dent in face armor That's it I am ticked, no wait, Borg are a collective, We are ticked.  
Lando: Hey! What is going on!  
Extra: Ambassador! Look out... runs towards Lando, but is grabbed by a Borg and assimilated  
Lando: Aaahhh!! Great maker NOO!! runs away  
G'Kar: Hahahahahaha!! THWAK!! gets assimilated  
Borg Collective: Must kill Centari... Borg cube shoots down all Centari transports outside Babylon 5  
Ivanova: Let's get to the secondary command station!  
Sheridan: I never heard of any secondary command station...  
Ivanova: Me neither, just go with the flow.  
Sheridan: Ok..  
Garibaldi: Why?? I mean if it's never seen on the show, why pretend it exists?  
Ivanova: 'Cause the C&C has been "Borgified" what other reason do you need?  
Garibaldi: hmm, good point.

The Command Crew runs down to this secondary C&C.  
Ivanova: Launch all fighters and fire all weapons!!  
Sheridan: Ivanova,  
Ivanova: yes?  
Sheridan: YOU'RE NOT IN CHARGE!  
Ivanova: So?  
Sheridan: I order when to fire.  
Ivanova: Fine, go-ahead sir.  
Sheridan: Launch all fighters, open all gun turrets. FIRE AT WILL!!

BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!!

Will: Aaaahhhh!!  
Ivanova: poor Will, he can't be very happy.  
Sheridan: NO!! NO!! NO!! YOU IDIOTS!!  
Ivanova: He means, fire everything we have at that f#&ing HUGE cube out there!

Babylon 5 and the Star Furies unload a rain straight from hll upon the Borg cube. The Borg vessel takes heavy damage and floats adrift in space.

Everyone: YAY!

The Borg Cube regenerates.

Everyone: OH SHT!  
Ivanova: Do it again!

B5 and the fighters fire again, except even more ruthlessly.

The Cube is unscathed.

Everyone: DOUBLE SHT!!  
Ivanova: um, do we perchance have any White Stars around? Or nuclear weapons, they'd be good too.

Dozens of Borg Drones stomp ominously towards the B5 team.

Garibaldi: All right, everyone fire!

A huge team of security officers fire at the Borg, a dozen drones fall down, but the others personal shields activate and block the PPG blasts.

Garibaldi: Did I just see that? Eh.. TRY IT AGAIN!

The Security team fires continuously at the Borg but their shields protect them.

Sheridan: um, may I suggest running? he looks around and everyone else is already gone, he runs off too

Delenn: What is going on?  
Someone: The station is being invaded by a bunch of evil cyborgs!  
Delenn: How do you know they're evil?  
Someone: Well, they're first contact protocol involves an ultimatum.  
Delenn: ..oh, ok..  
Sheridan: For the love of god run faster!!  
Delenn: John! What's going on?!  
Sheridan: WE'RE RUNNING!! WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE!?  
Delenn: From what?

A Borg assimilates Leneir.

Delenn: Oh, good enough (takes off running)

Outside the Star Furies are beamed into the Borg Vessel. The Pilots sit there looking scared.

Borg Collective: "Your resistance is hopeless. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. If you do not cooperate we will destroy your ships."

The pilots talk to each other, basically asking things like "huh?" Borg Drones stomp up towards the Star Furies. A Borg is about to take off the forward screen; but the pilot fires the lasers, blowing the Borg through a wall. Other pilots do the same, and then take off and fly for the wall of the Borg Cube. The Star Fury pilots try to break out by unloading all the weapons into the wall, but it doesn't even crack.

Pilot 1: uh, what do we do man!? WHAT DO WE DO!?  
Pilot 2: I don't know man!! I DON'T KNOW!!  
Pilot 3: Chill out! Sheridan will get us out, and if not him, then Ivanova.  
Pilot 2: Oh good, our fate lies in the hands of the world's crankiest Russian!

The Borg beam the pilots out of their Star Furies and assimilate them, and use the Star Fury metal for body armor.

Ivanova: We've got to take down that cube, do we have any nukes on board?  
Sheridan: Only the one I smuggled on board when I took command of Babylon 5.  
Garibaldi: ..I did not know about that..  
Sheridan: Of course not, what kind of captain would I be if my own security chief could beat me? Ivanova: Where is the weapon? I kind of need to know NOW.  
Borg: Stomp, stomp, stomp.  
Garibaldi: calls Zak over the link Zak, I want you to get the biggest guns we have up here, NOW!  
Sheridan: Actually...the nuke is in a cargo bay...  
Ivanova: In a Borg controlled area?? That's a perfect place for it!!  
Delenn: Do not worry, I have a way through the Borg.

She steps aside and 2 dozen large Minbari warriors are behind her, pikes in hand. The leader takes out a flask, takes a sip and hands it around. After they all take a drink their eyes get bloodshot and they start foaming at the mouth, then they charge the Borg screaming like demons.

Ivanova: Who wants to make a run for the cargo bay?  
responses: ………………………………………………………………………..  
Ivanova: Fine, I'll go.

Ivanova slips past the ferocious battle of Borg Drones vs. Drunken Minbari Warriors. The Warriors hold their own and down several Borg each, but are eventually assimilated.

Delenn: I believe the humans have an appropriate term for moments like these...  
Sheridan: It's 'Oh Sht'.  
Delenn: Yes, that is it, thank you. OH SHT!! (runs away)

Ivanova races along through the Borgified halls, only to meet two drones.

Ivanova: Uh, oh... gotta be somewhere to run to...

The Borg walk right past her.

Ivanova: SO I'M NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO NOTICE? Oh well, I personally wanted to live a while longer anyway. she runs for the cargo bay

She runs in to find the cargo bay lined with those Borg boxes.

Ivanova: Oh, shiiiii...

Meanwhile the battle for Babylon 5 continues as security officers attempt to go hand-to-hand with the Borg.

Narn Borg Drone: grabs a Centari MUST KILL!! raises hand with sharp spinning things NO!! ..must assimilate.. raises hand with injection tubules kill..hand with sharp spinning things ..no, assimilate..hand with tubules--back and forth for a little while; then "Ah what the heck? assimilates one Centari and kills another

Zak: Hey chief! I got the larger weapons!

Some security officers take some huge rifles and others start assembling a cannon Zak brought.

Garibaldi: Alright boys! Mow 'em down!!

Security fires all their new toys of mass destruction at the Borg. Over a dozen fall down but they adapt their shields.

Garibaldi: DMN!! DMN!! DMN!! That's it! Fire the cannon!!

2 Security officers brace themselves against the cannon to keep the recoil from throwing it backwards and another charges the cannon.

Zak: Chief! This might not be the best idea, if we miss..  
Garibaldi: I know, I know, we'll cause a hull breach--we'll just have to be careful. Aim for the densest part of the Borg group! And FIRE!!

A huge surge of energy lashes out from the cannon causing it to bounce back 3 feet even with the Security guys holding it. The blast hits about 15 Borg drones and sends them flying backwards through 8 bulkheads.

Garibaldi: points the cannon at more Borg Go ahead, make my day.

The Borg seem to think things over and start going the opposite way. Security manages to fire the cannon twice and mow down 28 more Drones before the Borg get to a turn in the hallway.

The camera pans to the Borg infested cargo bay. Ivanova is nearly done with the nuclear missile and is loading it into a launch tube. The Borg choose this moment to pay attention to what she's doing.

Ivanova finishes loading the missile in when a Borg tries to grab her. She jumps out of the way and dodges another Borg.

Ivanova: uhm.. nice Borg? Good Borg?  
Borg Collective: Good is irrelevant. Nice is irrelevant. And before you ask all other adjectives are also irrelevant.  
Ivanova: backing away from a few drones I don't mean to pry, but is anything relevant?  
Borg Collective: hmmm.. Species 8472, that's about it.  
Ivanova: dodges assimilation tubules What is species 8472?  
Borg Collective: None of your dmn business, now shut up and be assimilated.

In a wild maneuver Ivanova hits the launch button and gets around two Borg Drones. The missile launches and flies right for the Cube. The nuke makes a direct hit on the cube and explodes. The explosion is huge and completely engulfs the Borg vessel and the shock wave tosses Babylon 5 around a little and tosses the people around a lot.

Everyone: YEEAAAHH!!

The Borg Cube is still there, somehow managing to look mad.  
Everyone: TRIPLE SHT!!  
Sheridan: DON'T PANIC!!  
Crowd: WHY THE HLL NOT??  
Sheridan: Good question... hmmm, we're the good guys--good guys always win.

Back in the cargo bay Ivanova is surrounded by Borg. HIYA!! WHACK!! CLANG!! Borg Drone looking for missing piece Ivanova kicks a Borg in the face, and ducks another Borg trying to club her. Ivanova is backed up into a corner with Borg closing in.

Ivanova: I must say that this is not good.

THWACK!!

Sheridan: Any plans on how to beat the Borg?  
Garibaldi: We blast 'em to bits with this super-cannon.  
Sheridan: and if we miss with this cannon?  
Garibaldi: We blow a hole in the station 25 feet wide.  
Sheridan: Any other way?  
Garibaldi: We risk going at them with large swords and knives.  
Sheridan: And the Cube?  
Garibaldi: ...hmm, Vorlon planet killer'd do it.  
Sheridan: Oh, sure we'll just ask Kosh nicely if he'll loan us one!  
Garibaldi: It's our only shot, give it a try...

Sheridan turns around and Kosh is conveniently there.

Sheridan: Kosh, old buddy old pal, there's a huge cube threatening to destroy the station. May we borrow a planet killer.  
Kosh: when the writer places the story in the 3rd season, the planet killers have not yet shown up.  
Sheridan: DMN.

A Borg walks up to Kosh and sticks him with the injection tubules, having no visible effect.

Borg: hmmm?  
Borg2: are you sure you did it right? Try it again.

The Borg sticks Kosh again, then the 2nd Borg tries it, then a 3rd and a 4th. Kosh attracts a large crowd of Borg taking turns trying to assimilate him.

Borg: stick, stick  
Borg2: Are you sure you're doing right?  
Borg3: stick, stick yeah, I'm fairly sure...  
Kosh: Forever will you be stumped if you refuse to think.  
Borg23: do we really want to assimilate this dude?  
Borg9: Sure, just look at that encounter suit! It is WICKED!  
Borg23: true, proceed.

Kosh uses some kind of phsyonic blast thing to toss the Borg around.

Borg Collective: Perhaps we should pass on this idea for now.

The Borg stomp off and Kosh glides away smugly with about 280 assimilation tubule holes in his suit.

Sheridan and command crew run down the halls and come to a brief resting spot.

Sheridan: Garibaldi, report.  
Garibaldi: Well, in a matter of 5 hours they have assimilated 1 mile of the station--imagine how much they'd have if they could move beyond the speed of crawl!  
Sheridan: um, any ideas?  
Garibaldi: No, they got our cannon.  
Sheridan: WHAT??  
Garibaldi: They snuck up on us from the air vents and chased us off.  
Sheridan: Air vents? Isn't that the wrong M.O.?  
Garibaldi: Who cares? We have to find some way to stop them, or get off the station without the main cargo bays.  
Sheridan: hmm, escape pods?  
Lieutenant: that cube will certainly assimilate us if we try to get away in those sluggish things!  
Sheridan: Well what do we do??  
Delenn: Don't ask me, I gave it my best shot.  
Garibaldi: What about Drall? He could at least take care of the Cube.

Meanwhile Marcus wakes up in his quarters--in Borg "territory." He walks out into the hall in a bedtime hat and pajamas. He is completely surrounded by Borg who are quite ignoring him.

Marcus: Hmm, what's going on? Why's everyone AM/FM equipped now?  
Drall Hologram: Ah, Marcus, do you know what's going on? I've been a little busy and unable to watch the station.  
Marcus: No, all I know is... ooh... too many spicy foods.  
Drall: There's a weird cube out there  
Marcus: and?  
Drall: It survived a nuclear blast.  
Marcus: Dmn... that's not good.  
Drall: let's find Sheridan. (walks through wall)  
Marcus: yawn eh, Drall?  
Drall: What? ..OH, yeah! Sorry.

Drall and Marcus walk down the hall to C&C to find it bristling with assimilated extras and Borg technology.

Drall: hmm, looks different.  
Marcus: You know, I recognize some of the extras, but some of these cyborgs are species I've never seen before.

A Borg walks up to Marcus and Drall. The Borg scans Drall and seems rather interested, the Borg then looks at Marcus and almost stomps on his foot as he walks by.

Marcus: Yeah, Good morning to you too buddy!

Another Borg walks up to Drall and uses a device to determine where the hologram is being projected from. The Borg looks at Marcus.  
Marcus: Hey, how many channels do you get?

The Borg turns around and starts working on something.

Drall: Let's find Sheridan. (walks through a wall)  
Marcus: knocks on the wall Oh Draaalll!  
Drall: sticks head out oh yeah that again. Come along.

Drall and Marcus walk along noticing assimilated Narn, Centari, Brakiri and others.

Drall: I don't like the look of this.  
Marcus: How do you think I feel about it?

Drall and Marcus walk out of Borg controlled decks.

Sheridan: Drall! Glad to see you!  
Marcus: What's going on?  
Sheridan: Drall, we really need your help, we can't beat these Borg by ourselves!  
Garibaldi: Yeah, and Kosh won't loan us a planet killer!  
Marcus: What are these Borg and why do some of them look familiar??  
Drall: I will help, but what is it these Borg are doing?  
Garibaldi: they call it assimilation.  
Sheridan: They stick these tubes in your neck and you turn into a Borg!  
Marcus: clears throat and looks like he's about to sing  
Sheridan: Oh, HiMarcusdidn'tnoticeyouthere. What's up?  
Marcus: And why not?  
Sheridan: er.. Drall was blocking the view!!  
Marcus: Drall is a hologram, he's transparent. waves hand through Drall  
Garibaldi: Cause we're not used to you in your jamies.  
Marcus: looks down Ooopss... can I go change?

Marcus runs through Borg territory unimpeded.

Sheridan: Ok, Drall think you can help?  
Drall: I have a whole planet with a super-state-of-the-art defense system. Of course I can help.  
Garibaldi: Then, could you please... SAVE THE STATION?!  
Drall: Ok, ok.. sheesh, humans.. everything NOW.

Epsilon 3 cuts loose with a stream of super-laser weapons destroying 75 of the cube--which promptly regenerates.

Everyone: oh shhhht...

Drall fires again, and doesn't even scratch the cube.

Everyone: double shhhht...  
Drall: er, what's going on?  
Sheridan: Oops, I forgot to mention that about this cube.  
Drall: Why'd the show producers ever put you in charge of the station Einstein?

The Borg Cube comes about and starts heading for Epsilon 3.

Drall: no, no, no, can't have that!

The surface of Epsilon 3 is suddenly bristling with missiles. The missiles fire and after several huge explosions the Cube seems to be destroyed, but a small sphere flies out of the explosion right for Babylon 5.

Everyone: Fing Great!! HOW MANY TRICKS DO THESE BOZOS HAVE?!  
Sheridan: Fire at the sphere, hopefully it's weaker because it's smaller!

A Borg comes out of nowhere and assimilates the gunner. More Borg appear and begin walking over to the B5 crew. Sheridan, Garibaldi, Delenn and Franklin start to run away but are cut off by an inconvenient wall.

Garibaldi: What's that?  
Sheridan: It appears to be a Borg wearing a nightcap.  
Delenn: They assimilated Marcus!!  
Sheridan: Why would they want to?

Marcus pops out of the ceiling and clubs a Borg to Death with his fighting pike. Then Ivanova hops in with a sword and slices up a Borg. Marcus clubs another and Ivanova cuts another one down.

Sheridan: Ivanova! How could you possibly have escaped!?  
Ivanova: What can I say? I'm the writer's favorite.

The crew runs away from the Borg. And outside B5 the Borg Sphere docks in the main cargo bay.

Marcus: Captain, I just realized, the Borg didn't adapt to physical attacks!  
Sheridan: why.. you're right! That's great! Thanks Drall!  
Marcus: rrrrrrrr!! That's it! I'm singing!  
Franklin: HIT THE DECK!!  
Marcus: I am the very model of a modern major general. I've information, animal, vegetable and mineral. I know the kings of England and I quote the fights historical. From Maryland to Torteloo in order categorical. I'm also well acquainted with matters mathematical. Backed with binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot of news! With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse!

The crew is clutching their ears and screaming, even the Borg have started to back away.

Sheridan: That's it! we have Marcus sing some more and we'll beat the Borg that way!  
Franklin: Is it worth it? I mean, the losses we'd suffer!  
Delenn: Yes, which is the lesser evil?  
Garibaldi: dmn that's a tough one...  
Sheridan: Ok, anyone have any ideas at all?  
Marcus: well, I have the Borg distracted, I put my nightcap on one of them and they've been trying to assimilate it.

The Borg walks by, tailed by another Borg who is trying to assimilate the nightcap.

Sheridan: well, that won't keep, even they've got to get bored.  
Zak: HEY GUYS!! I'VE GOT THE ANSWER!!  
Garibaldi: God dmn it! don't keep us waiting! Tell us now!  
Zak: I just watched Star Trek: First Contact, and I know how we can beat the Borg!  
Sheridan: HOW!? HOW?! HOW!?  
Zak: We kill the Borg queen then all the other Borg will short out!  
Sheridan: And this Borg Queen would be where? The most protected area the Borg have?  
Zak: well.. yeah, that was the one problem..  
Sheridan slaps his forehead and says "Oi! Why must I work with such morons??

The Command Crew glares at Sheridan and backs him up into a wall. But the Borg somehow sneak up behind them and assimilate Delenn.

Sheridan: OH SHT!! RUN AWAY!! RUN AWAY!!

And the crew follows Sheridan's orders.

Ivanova: how are we gonna fight through all of them??  
Sheridan: You know.. Delenn gave me an idea!  
Garibaldi: quick catch it before it realizes where it is!  
Zak: What's that supposed to mean?  
Garibaldi: just that an idea might panic in a place where it's never been before.  
Sheridan: Haha, very funny, I'll be back! (Sheridan runs off)  
Ivanova: Ok, get all the Narns, Drazi and sharp objects you can find! If that's the only way to fight the Borg, well... we're screwed.. but we can still make a fight out of it!

The remaining forces of Babylon 5 are slowly pushed back. Until...  
Sheridan: Ok boys! Here comes the Calvary!!

Behind Sheridan are 150 Minbari Warriors. They each pull out a gallon-jug and guzzle it down. the Minbari's eyes glow blood red and they foam at the mouths and rush at the Borg making some VERY frightening noises. The Minbari each tear down about 10 Borg before they start to slow down.

Sheridan and everyone else runs for the Borgified C&C. Everyone except Marcus has to dodge Borg the whole while.

Marcus walks up to a Borg and knocks on his head: Knock knock, anyone home?

The Borg's head rotates 180 degrees: Yes? What do you want, inferior life form?  
Marcus: whoah, cool trick with the head, oh yeah, I want that laser-scalpel.  
The Borg gives it to him, waves its arm and says: "shoo now, unimportant person."

Marcus uses the laser scalpel to cut through a few Borg, they adapt and he uses it to open a plasma conduit, the resulting release fries several Borg and the B5 team makes it thanks to Marcus. The team reaches C&C and looks around jaw-dropped mode except for Ivanova and Marcus who've seen Borg hallways before.

A voice echoes all around, not the voice of the collective but a female voice: You humans, always think you can resist. Well, perhaps against a single cube, but wait until we flood this universe with hundreds of cubes... hey, that'd be a good tactic to use with the Federation...

The Borg Queen starts that freaky descending scene of hers.

Sheridan: weird...  
Zak: oh yeah, should've warned you about that.  
Garibaldi: that's the queen?  
Zak: yeah.  
Ivanova: GET HER!!

The B5 team rushes forward, but are stopped by drones, the try fighting their way through but the Borg are too strong for them to physically club through. Except for Marcus, once again ignored by the Borg.

Marcus walks up behind her and says: good evening your highness, may I entertain you with some rap?  
Queen: er, what will it take to KEEP you from doing that??  
Marcus: Leave, now, and de-assimilate the major characters. That's all.

The Borg suddenly pick up and move, in quite a hurry to leave. G'Kar, Delenn and Leineir are detached from the collective.

Sheridan: dmn it Marcus!!  
Marcus: WHAT?! I SAVED the station!!  
Sheridan: yeah, but the Borg were at your mercy!! You COULD have had them clean up!! And teach us how to use all this Borg technology lying around!

The camera goes to an outer view of the station, the front mile of which looks vaguely cubical...

Marcus: well, at least we have shields... and adapting ones at that!!

THE END

So, the B5 crew picks up the mess and incorporates Borg hull armor on the station, which helps a lot in this universe's Shadow war... but it unfortuanatly leads to a war with the Federation, who fire at the station as soon as they recognize the Borg technology.


End file.
